Afraid to Fall in Love Again
by Devin Jamie Pickrell
Summary: After a breakup that hurt them both, all Lily Evans wants to do is forget and move on. All James Potter wants is to find a way to make her fall in love with him all over again. background info in my profile. CH 3: slightly revised. CH 4: C.S. please R
1. It Was All a Lie

I hopped on the Hogwarts Express after a quick goodbye to my parents. My parents thought I was just happy to be back at school, but the real reason was James. I hadn't seen him since school ended, and even though I had received an owl from him almost everyday, it wasn't the same as being with him, and that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to jump into his arms, throwing my arms around him and just stay there in that moment forever. He was my Everything, and I loved him with all I had.

James Potter had been my boyfriend for a year and three weeks. He was remarkable to say the least. Sure, he could be conceited or arrogant occasionally, but he'd changed for the better in the past year. He was kind-hearted with an extremely charming personality, and could be stubborn at times. He's adventurous and mischievous, always in trouble for one thing or another.

Sometimes, I really do wonder why he chose me, when he could have his pick out of any girl at school. He's popular and the seeker on the school's Quidditch team. He has jet black hair that refused to be tamed even for a moment. His pale blue eyes, which reminded me of the clear summer days we'd always spend out by the lake, are bordered by glasses. I've actually seen a few girls faint when he smiled his lopsided grin at them, but he kept his best smiles for me. He makes me melt when he whispers in my ear, his warm breath softly caressing my neck before moving away, only to be replaced by a trail of kisses. Sometimes when he holds me, my body goes limp and my knees buckle. He's the only guy that can make me feel that way.

Soon after boarding the train, I was joined by my best friend, Ada Borealis, who I followed into a compartment. Mishca De Le Reusse and Chloe Deluca, two more of my closest friends, were already in the compartment.

After a hurried hello I asked them if they'd seen James. They weren't offended in the least that I was about to rush off to see him after spending so little time with them. Ada was, of course, the first to answer me, "I saw him like ten minutes ago. He's a few compartments back on our side." She was always first to answer and first to comfort, the mother figure of our little group.

"With the goons," Chloe added, giggling. Mishca just smiled and nodded as I left, her nose in _Witch's Weekly Magazine_.

I couldn't stop smiling as I walked down the aisle, looking through the glass of the compartment doors, searching for James. I spotted Remus and my smile grew even wider. He looked disgusted and shocked at the same time, but I wasn't sure why until I took another step forward, bringing James into my line of vision. My smile dropped and I stood stalk still, unable to move as I stared in horror at the scene in front of my eyes.

James was snogging SabrinaBrown, a Slytherin 7th year aka Sabrina; the Teenage Bitch. Even as he kissed her I begged him silently not to, _'Please James, stop. Please, please stop! Don't do this, you mean too much to me. Please stop. James, you're ruining everything. Please don't James. Please stop. Please, please, please stop kissing her. Let go of her. Just let go and maybe you can make everything better. Please let go. Just push her away. Do it for me, James. Please, just let go of her and push her away. You have me! James, I'm right here! Stop! I don't want to see this. I don't want to watch us fall apart. Think James! Please stop and think about what you're doing! James, you're messing up everything we have! Please stop James. Please, please, please don't kiss her anymore!'_

As I watched, frozen in the spot; terrified, angry, and heartbroken, Remus looked away from the kissing, too disgusted to see any more. He saw me. I gave him a pleading look and ran. I ran back to my compartment before he even had time to get out of his. I had tears streaming down my face as I opened the compartment door and leaned against it, sliding down with my head on my knees, crying and gasping for air. Chloe, Mishca, and Ada all ran to me, asking me worriedly what was wrong. I shook my head over and over again, trying to get the image out of my mind. _'How could he have done this to us- to me?'_

Between gasps I managed to say, shakily, "H-he," gasp, "k-k-ki-"

"What? What happened? He, who? What did he do?" It was Mishca; she was by my side asking me frantically what had happened. Ada had a horrified look on her face; she could tell what happened, just by looking at me. I jumped up and ran to her, hugging her tightly, sobbing uncontrollably. I managed to say it all this time, calming down a little bit, "J-James kissed Mel-lissa Brown!" Everyone gasped as I said her name.

"No!" Chloe said, unbelievingly.

"Yes! I saw him! I was right there!" My speech became clearer as I stopped crying.

Ada pulled a packet of tissues from her purse and handed them to me. Taking them from her gratefully, I wiped my face off. I took deep breaths and cleaned the mascara out from under my eyes, which were slowly getting less and less red.

I still felt empty and heartbroken, but the anger was quickly taking over, masking the heart break.

James, followed by Sirius and Remus, barged into the compartment at that moment. "I can explain," Blurted James instantly.

"No," I shouted and then, quieter but just as deadly, "No, James, you can't. You are NOT going to weasel your way out. Not this time."

"Just let me-"

"I said no!" Instinctively, I smacked him hard across the jaw. I had never hit anyone before, and he knew that. He was quiet for a moment, more shocked than hurt, and I took that time to jump in.

"There is no explanation you can give that will explain what you just did to me, Potter," He winced at the sound of his last name. "I saw you in there, snogging her like there was no tomorrow."

Holding his cheek, he started to talk, "Lily, it didn't-"

"Mean anything?" I laughed dryly, "You were just snogging another girl! Of course it meant something you foul, loathsome little prat!" I spat each of the last five words out as if they had a horrid taste.

"It didn't mean anything! Nothing at all! I give you my word."

"Ha. Your word isn't worth anything to me anymore. This was all just some kind of game to you, wasn't it? Wasn't it!"

"No," he said quietly, looking shocked.

I ignored him. "I was just some trophy girl, just another name to cross off your list, right? Right!" I wanted, more than anything, for him to tell me that I was so wrong, but I didn't let him speak, "I was so stupid! I don't know why I believed all the lies you fed me about how you cared!"

"I do care," I could tell it pained him to know that I thought that, but I didn't care.

"Liar! I watched you! You kissed her the way you kiss me! That in itself shows how much you don't care! If you cared the smallest bit about me, you couldn't have been able to do this to me! You never cared, you heartless prat," I was trying to convince myself that it didn't matter, and I wasn't losing anything worth caring about.

"Please don't say that Lily. How can you think that? I care so much about you. I didn't mean to hurt you. Just give me a chance to explain," He wrapped his arms around me and I struggled to free myself. My body threatened to go limp at his touch and my heart still leaped at his touch even though I didn't want it to. But I wouldn't give up, I stomped on his foot and he backed away as I continued.

"Hurt, exactly, you hurt me, I'll admit it. You hurt me more than anyone or anything has ever hurt me before!" He looked so sincerely sorry, and it hurt me to look at him, but I did. I wouldn't give up. He cheated on me! And with that slutty, Slytherin bitch! I wanted to beat the living daylights out of her and make her bleed and cry and apologize and hurt. Even knowing that I was hurting him and knowing I was being a bitch didn't stop be as I went on, "So, give me a reason why I should stand here and listen to your lies! Why should I believe even one single word you say? I feel like everything you've ever told me has been a lie, so give me one good reason why I should let you explain!"

He stared into my eyes for a second before speaking, "Why should you let me explain? Maybe because, I regretitmore than anything I've ever done! And I want to tell you the truth, tell you everything," His voice grew louder with every sentence, "I would never EVER try to hurt you, Lils. I'd gladly feel all the pain in the world, so you wouldn't have to feel any! And because, you're the first girl I ever felt this way about! Because," realization flashed in his eyes, "Because I LOVE YOU!"

He had finally said it, it took him almost a year, but he finally told me he loved me.Unfortunately for the both of us, he was too late. Less than half an hour before, I would have been overjoyed at his words, but at that moment all they did was stab at my heart over and over again. They were just meaningless words to save a dying relationship he never cared about anyway. _So why did he say them? _There was complete silence, and I looked at him, shocked and hurt, thinking, "_How can you say that now? How could you have done this to me?_" I glared at him coldly, gathering as much cruelty in my words as I possibly could, I muttered, "Yeah right." That said I walked out. Inside, I was crying. I wanted him to fight for me, to tell me how much he needed me and not let me leave. Tell me he was an idiot, and try to hold me like he had tried a few moments before, even if he knew I wouldn't let him. I slammed the compartment door so hard that the glass broke and shattered. I laughed dryly, watching it happen, all the while thinking, "_Ironic- that's what my heart's doing_"


	2. Just Let Me Explain

"Are you sure you've packed everything, dears," My mom had asked Sirius and I that question at least nine times since we had arrived at platform 9 ¾.

"Yes, Mom," I replied in a bored tone.

"Yea Mrs. P. Uh, we should go get a compartment before they're all taken," Sirius said, wanting to get on the train.

"What? Oh, yes, the train, of course. Write a letter to me every once in a while, both of you."

"Okay Mom."

"Will do Mrs. P"

She smiled at us and leaned down to give me a kiss on the cheek. Embarrassed, I whined, "Mo-om," But she kissed me anyway then hugged Sirius good-bye as well before we turned around and headed towards the train.

"And stay out of trouble," She called after us and Sirius laughed.

"Shut up and keep walking, Padfoot," I said, shoving him forward.

"Hey man, just 'cuz you're so eager to see Lils doesn't mean you have to go around pushing your best friend!"

I blushed slightly but recovered quickly enough to tease him right back, "That's not why I'm shoving you. I do that because you are slow."

Lily Evans, or Lils as she's commonly known, has been my girlfriend for a few weeks over a year. She is amazing to say the very least. She is so much…better than other girls, and I would know, I was with many girls before Lily.

Lily's so down to earth, and she'll tell me when I'm being conceited or arrogant, or just a complete arse. She's not afraid to say what she thinks, no matter who's listening. She's free-spirited and passionate with a fiery personality. She can be very stubborn- but that's just one of the things that attracted me to her in the first place. She's extremely smart, and she almost always has her nose in one book or another.

No one knows it except for her, but sometimes I feel like she's too good for me. She's loved by almost everyone, and is the smartest girl in our class. Her thick hair is the color of red wine and it cascades gently down her back in loose waves. Her eyes are the color of the brightest shade of green grass, and sparkle with a passion for life and love that I've never seen in anybody else. I love to hear her laugh, and see her smile. She has full lips that are dark pink and border perfectly straight white teeth. My two favorite smiles of hers are her secretive smile, where her lips just turn up the slightest bit and her eyes sparkle with mystery, and her smile when she laughs, genuinely laughs- not that sarcastic or dry laugh she has when she's angry, but the laugh where she smiles wide and her eyes crinkle at the corners. It's hard for me not to whisper in her ear and leave a trail of kisses behind whenever I see her or wrap my arms around her and just hold her fragile body within them. She's the only girl I've ever felt this way about.

Sirius rolled his eyes at my comment and added, "And you want to get to Lily quicker."

'_Yea, that too,'_ I thought, smiling. I didn't get a chance to reply as a compartment door opened to our right. "Hey Moony," I say as I walk in, I had just seen him day before yesterday. I started to talk, but Remus cut me off.

"Hey James, no I haven't seen Lily."

"Ok."

Sirius gave me a lopsided grin before he started chanting, "Jamesie loves Lily. Jamesie loves Lily. Oof," He stopped as I threw a pair of socks that I had just pulled out of my trunk at him. "What? You do! You're gonna admit it soon. I know you will. I'm psychic."

"You mean psychotic," Remus said, setting down and closing some book he had been reading.

"That too."

The compartment door slid open and Ada Borealis, Lily's best friend, appeared on the other side of it, "Hey freaks, hey Remus. Have you guys seen-"

"Nope, haven't seen Lily," Remus answered before she finished her question.

She nodded her head and was about to walk away, but stopped as Sirius began talking, "Freaks? That hurts," Sirius asked her, his hand clutched at his heart. Ada looked like she bought it for a second, before he went on, "But, you could make it up to me if you let me take you out to dinner someti- Oof. Why does everyone keep doing that," He asked, bewildered, as Ada picked up and threw my socks at him before walking away. Sirius shouted after her, "Hey! You know you want me!"

"Sure," She called back sarcastically, laughing.

Remus, Sirius, and I quickly began talking about the Quidditch World Series that had taken place over the summer. It was Bulgaria against England and England had brought home the gold trophy. As we talked, completely absorbed in our conversation, Peter walked in with a box containing three chocolate frogs.

Seeing them, Sirius instantly jumped up, trying to grab them but missing as Peter pulled them away. Sirius looked offended, "What? You aren't going to share with one of your bestest buddies?"

"They aren't mine"

"Sure, whose are they then? Amelia Gladstone's," He asked sarcastically, laughing at his own joke. Amelia Gladstone was a chaser for England.

"No. They're for James."

I looked up now, "Huh- who from?"

"I don't know, some girl."

"Cool," I said as I reached for them but Remus slapped my hand away. "What was that for?"

"Use your brain, some random girl, who is probably infatuated with you, is giving you chocolates. You don't know what she did to them, I'll bet she put a potion in them."

"Yea right," I said, disbelievingly. Even though I know some girls who would've done that, all I concentrated on was my empty stomach as I grabbed the box from Peter and Remus grabbed them from me. "Hey! Those're mine!"

"Peter, try one," he said grabbing one from the box and handing it to Peter who, after a little bit of protest, cautiously put it in his mouth and shut his eyes tight. After a few seconds of nothing happening, Remus asked, "How do you feel?"

Peter slowly opened his eyes, one at a time, as if he had been expecting something terrifying but instead got something boring, "Fine."

"See, Remus? There's nothing wrong with them," Sirius said, obviously happy that Remus had been wrong for once.

"Fine," he said warily and then added, "But I'm not having one."

"Fine," Sirius said and grabbed the box, stuffing one in his mouth.

"Hey! What is up with you two and eating my food?"

Sirius looked at me, his mouth full, and said something that sounded like, "Arrie duddie. Ahm eelie ungriean yano ow I wuv oklitfoggs. Ere." He handed me the box with the one remaining chocolate frog.

"Er…come again?"

Sirius swallowed his mouthful of food before speaking. "I said, 'Sorry, buddy. I'm really hungry and you know how I love chocolate frogs.'"

I rolled my eyes at him and said, "It's okay," as I tossed the last frog in my mouth

* * *

"Get off of her you daft git," Remus was screaming at me, but it sounded like he was far away; like I was dreaming. He went on, "Lily just saw you and ran off!"

_Lily. Lily just ran off? Why?_

"Stop kissing her you prat!"

_Kissing? Was I kissing Lily? Then how did she run off? Why did Remus just call me a prat? Oh no._

Suddenly, as if by magic, I realized what I was doing. Opening my eyes, I looked at who I was attached to by the mouth; SabrinaBrown.Sabrina was a 7th year from Slytherin and she was a Grade A bitch who had hated me ever since I turned her down in my 5th year- last year. I jumped away from her as if I had been burned, "What the bloody hell did you-" I realized then what happened, "The chocolate frogs. You- you bloody slut!"

She pouted, "You didn't like the frogs I sent you, baby?"

I would have smacked her across her face; but, unfortunately, I don't hit girls so I kept yelling, "Why the hell did you- I have a girlfriend!"

She looked bored, "So?"

"SO! I-"

I was cut off by Remus who grabbed me by the back of my robes. "Lily," that was all he had to say and I bolted out of the compartment door instantly, calling her name and throwing open the compartment doors calling her name. "Loverboy- she went the other way."

I spun on my heel and ran the other way, throwing open random compartment doors until I found her, Sirius and Remus following me. I tried to step toward her, but she held out her hands as if to tell me to stay where I was. Instantly, I said, "I can explain."

"No," she shouted and then got quieter, but I could hear the outrage in her voice, "No, James, you can't. You can't weasel your way out this time."

I had to get her to understand. "Just let me-"

I started to say 'explain' but she cut me off by doing something she had never done before; I don't think to anyone in her life. She smacked me. She smacked me hard across the face and began shouting again, "I said no, because there is no explanation you can give that would explain what you just did- what you just did to me, Potter," I winced, hearing her was so caring voice scream my last name. "I saw you. I saw you there snogging her like there was no tomorrow!"

_She thinks I meant to do it. She thinks it meant something to me._ "Lily, it didn't me-"

She cut me off again, laughing that dry laugh that meant she was beyond anger. "Mean anything," She said, "You were just snogging another girl! How can that not mean something? You foul loathsome little prat!"

I began protesting, "No! It didn't mean anything to me! Nothing- nothing at all! I promise, Lily. I promise you that it meant nothing to me! I give you my word!"

She laughed dryly again, "Your word isn't worth anything to me anymore. Not after this. I was a game to you, wasn't I? Wasn't I!" Her voice grew louder.

_This is Lily- my Lily. How can she think everything was just some kind of- some kind of game to me? _I looked at her, shocked and hurt that she could say that. Quietly, I said, "No," but she didn't seem to hear me- or to care as she went on screaming.

"What was I to you? I was just some trophy girl, just another name to cross off your list, right? Right! I was so stupid! I don't believe how I ever thought you actually meant all those lies you fed me about how you cared!"

I looked at her, so confused, and said more firmly, "I do care." _How can she think that? How can she think I never cared? She's my world; my everything- without her, I'm nothing. I care more about her than I care about my own family._

"You are such a liar!" Her voice was shrill as she went on. "I watched you kiss her- kiss her the way you kiss me! That alone shows how little you care about me! If you cared just the smallest bit, Potter, you wouldn't, couldn't have done this to me." She paused for such a short moment, I couldn't speak. "You never cared, you heartless prat!"

_No, that's not right. I do care. I care so much. _"Please don't say that. Lily, how can you think that I don't care? I care so much about you. I care more than I care about anyone. I didn't mean to hurt you- I would never, never try to hurt you, Lils. Just give me a chance to explain," I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around her, holding her close. _I need you so much Lily. Just let me be close to you._ She kicked me in the shins and I bent down in pain as she backed away from me and started again.

"Exactly. Hurt, you hurt me; hurt me more than anyone or anything has ever hurt me before!" _I'm so sorry Lily. Please, believe what I said. I would never try to hurt you. I'm sorry- so, so sorry. _"Give me one reason why I should stand here and listen to all your lies! Why should I believe even one single word you say? Everything you've ever told me has been a lie! You lied about how you care and how you wouldn't ever try to hurt me and- and about how I was the only one for you," Her eyes looked glassy, but she held back the tears; she fought them, too stubborn to show anyone her tears. It took so much to make her cry. I'd known her for so long, six years, and I had only seen her cry three times in all those years. I couldn't believe that this time, I was the one who made her cry. "So give me one good reason why I should let you explain!"

I broke down then. I might've yelled, but I wouldn't know if I did; I could barely hear my voice. The only thing that I noticed were the tears in her eyes. _Lily was trying to be so strong. She was acting- since when had Lily had to act around me?_ "Why should you let me explain," I echoed her words, as if they were a question. "Maybe because I regret kissing that slut more than anything I've ever done! And I want to tell you the truth; tell you what really happened! Because, I would never EVER try to hurt you Lily; put you in pain. Hell, I'd gladly feel all the pain in the world, so you wouldn't have to feel any! Let me explain because," I realized something then; something that had been there the whole time- love. _Oh James, why had you been so stupid not to realize this? You love her. I LOVE HER! I LOVE LILY EVANS!_ I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. I wanted everyone to know that I loved her more than anything, even if it took me some time to realize it. "Because, you're the first girl I ever felt this way about! Because I love you Lily!"

She froze and there was silence. She looked shocked, as if her mind was slowly processing what I had just said. Her features softened for a moment, but then she looked angry again. She looked hurt, even more so than before. She glared at me and said icily _more icily and evilly than she's ever said anything_, "Yea right." She turned around sharply and as she left, she slammed the compartment door shut so hard that the glass shattered.

My breath caught in my chest. I couldn't breath. I wanted to run after her, but I couldn't move. I wanted to explain everything, but I couldn't speak. I would surely die if I didn't breath soon.

_I'll die anyway. Lily's gone._ Realization hit me and I repeated my thoughts. _Lily's gone_. She couldn't be. _I'll never touch her silky, dark red hair again. _No. I can't live without her. _I'll never look into her beautiful emerald eyes again, when I lean in for a kiss._ Oh, God no. _I'll never kiss her again; never feel the touch of her soft, pink lips on mine. I'll never lean in to whisper in her ear, and leave a trail of kisses on her neck. _I couldn't handle it. I still wasn't breathing and I started choking on the air that wouldn't come, trying to gulp all the oxygen I had lost into my lungs.

I allowed Sirius to lead me back to our compartment. I didn't realize I was moving. I didn't see all the people around me, staring and murmuring as I passed. I didn't care. Somehow we were opening the door to our compartment. _Weren't we just in a compartment?_ I was disoriented and unaware of everything around me as I slumped down onto a seat and just stared off in the distance, lost in thought.

I could vaguely hear Sirius, "That was rough."

I didn't care to reply and he fell silent. What seemed to me like seconds later, but was at least an hour, we arrived at Hogsmeade.

The welcome back feast took place as usual; Dumbledore greeted us, the sorting hat sang a new song, a line of nervous first-years shuffled up to the hat, placing it on their heads and were sorted as it yelled a house, Dumbledore gave his annual speech, welcoming us all, the empty dishes in front of us were filled and everyone ate while talking happily about their summers- but it didn't feel the same. Remus told me to give her some time to think and try to enjoy myself in the meantime; I told him that I'd try. Really, I didn't think I could.

"Cheer up, James. Food. Eat. Yum," Sirius slapped me on my back and smiled, stuffing a chicken leg in his mouth as he talked. Suddenly, I was furious with him. What did he think- I'd just forget about Lily in a matter of hours? Lily had been my life for an entire year. Even before we got together, she had always been there. Of course, all we did was fight and insult each other, but she had been there nonetheless. Was I just supposed to forget all those years? Because, if I was, I didn't care- I could never forget Lily.

That night I had trouble sleeping, and after tossing and turning for a few hours, I gave up. After pulling on my cloak, I slipped out the dormitory door and snuck down the stairs towards the common room, surely not expecting anyone to be down there at this hour. And that's why I was surprised to see someone huddled up to one side of the couch, her back away from me, facing the flames of the fire. I was about to head back up to the dormitory, deciding I didn't want to be around anyone; but then I realized who it was.

* * *

**Please review and tell me what you like or don't like, if you love or hate it. And let me know if I'm going too fast, or too slow. I want to know what you think. Tell me what you want to happen or just reply to tell me you read it and it's not half bad. If you see some errors, please feel free to point them out**

**Thank you so much!  
-Devin-**

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	3. Late Nights and New Boyfriends

**I know this chapter took a long time to get up- but it's not my fault, I promise! So many complications…I don't even want to go into them all. But, for the past month, I could've posted. Why didn't I? I'll admit it- pure laziness, friends, and writers' block. I'm sorry, but it's up now, right?**

**Thank you to all of my reviewers- especially those who are still reading! I know this took a while to get up, but it's here now! A special thanks to glowingice who is a great writer BTW who gave me some ideas for this- without you, this would have taken weeks longer and probably wouldn't be as good! So, this chapter is dedicated to you.**

**Lily's POV- italics are her thoughts if you haven't figured that out by now. Well, I don't want to procrastinate any longer, so here it is. The next extension. Chapter three. I hope you like it!**

** 3**

The rest of the night passed in a blur; the trip to Hogsmeade, the sorting, the feast, all my oldest friends asking me about my summer. It all passed, meaningless to me. Everything seemed as if it were far away, as if I were dreaming. I wanted to believe that; that I was dreaming, but I would never…ever have dreamt something that horrible, and, unfortunately, I knew it.

After the feast, I didn't linger in the common room with most of the girls who were talking about how wonderful their summers had been; I hurried straight up to the 6th year girls' dormitory. I wanted to sleep and forget everything that had happened. I quickly scanned the room; luckily, I was alone as I ran to my bed, tossing the covers down so I could slide in between them and wait for the sleep I soon discovered would never come.

After a few hours of tossing and turning, throwing my blankets on and off, and listening to the faraway sound of an owl somewhere, I got up and dressed in a robe. I slipped my diary and potions book off the bedside table and into the pockets of my robe, then tip-toed softly across the room and out the door. As I entered the common room and sunk into my favorite couch, I let out a deep breath I hadn't known I had been holding; no one was there. _Well of course no one is here. It's probably around three in the morning! Do you even know why you are up?_ I stopped myself from answering my own question and quickly turned my attention to my potions book as I sat in my favorite chair, because I did know why I was awake. I tried to block the thought that was coming up as I read and reread the same line in my book, _James_.

I shook my head, shaking all thoughts of him out of it and tried to concentrate harder on the book in front of me opened to a page about Polyjuice Potion- a potion to change whoever drinks it into a person of their choice. I sighed, setting the book down. I had read this book front to back at least seven times already and practically knew it word for word.

I pulled my diary from my pocket and first muttered my password, then a charm to unlock it and opened up to a random page, hoping it would be blank so I could write in it. Maybe if I wrote everything that had happened, it would be like it wasn't mine anymore. Once it's down, it's gone for good- just another sad story in someone _else's_ life, not mine. But the page wasn't blank; it was far from blank actually. A faint smile threatened to play at my lips, but I pushed it back as I felt a lone tear escape my eye and slide down my cheek as I looked at the page where I had taped two pictures of me and James. In the first one, we were both smiling happily and he was holding me from behind. Next to it was another picture; he was kissing me on the cheek as I blushed furiously. Both pictures were from our first date; Sirius had tried to take the pictures but had ended up handing the camera to Ada, because he couldn't understand "this bloody muggle contraption", as he called it.

Suddenly, I slammed the book shut, not wanting to see any more as tears began to fall down my face. I wiped them all away and willed myself not to cry. _I will not cry for Ja-Potter ever again. I won't waste my tears._ I took a deep breath and brought my knees to my chest. _I'm stronger than this._

Leaning against the wall of the couch, I stared deeply into the fire, watching the scorching flames dance about. It was beautiful. It was pain. It was wild, alive and determined. Just like me._ As long as I'm alive, I'll never let him make me cry. Or let anyone else for that matter._ I didn't know why, but suddenly, I was calm as I stared into the depths of the fire. I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad, or angry either. I felt emotionless, and it felt amazing- like I was free.

And then I heard the creak of the stairs, but thought nothing of it. The castle was old and haunted; it was nothing to be bothered by. But when I heard the soft thuds of footsteps, my body froze and I gripped my wand tighter.

"Lily," someone said and I felt a hand on my shoulder. I spun around, quick as lightening; my wand held out threatening, only to see James standing there. Slowly but suspiciously, I brought my wand to my side.

"What are you doing up," I asked quietly but coldly, averting my eyes from his.

He shrugged his shoulders, "I could say the same to you."

"That's fair," I said and reached to gather my books. As suddenly as my emotions had left, they came back, and I knew then that I, when it came to James, emotions just couldn't be blocked. It disgusted me how I could vow that he would never make me cry, yet I felt tears stinging my eyes. I felt weak, and I didn't want to be anywhere near him.

"Stop- Lily, please listen to me. Let me explain," I avoided his eyes at first, but I could hear the pleading tone in his voice.

After a moment, I stood up straighter, looked him square in the eye and said calmly, "There's nothing to explain."

"Huh?"

I looked at him and began to explain as if he was asking me what one plus one was…even though my tone was casual and obvious, it pained me to no end to speak the words I did. "You were alone all summer. I don't blame you. You were in the wizarding world and I wasn't. Obviously, you needed a girl there for you. I just couldn't be that girl. Although, of everyone, I thought you would have at least picked someone better than Sabrina: the Teenage Bitch. Just shows how much I don't know you." _And how easily I can be replaced,_ I thought as pain stabbed at my heart. I felt my throat get sore- like it gets before you cry. But I wouldn't cry. Not in front of him. _Please don't cry. Please don't cry, Lily. You can cry a million oceans worth of tears the second we get into the dormitory. Just, please don't let him see you cry._

"You think I cheated on you all summer?" He asked bewildered.

"Maybe not all summer, but, some of it at least. Unless you usually go around passionately kissing random girls," I scoffed, raising an eyebrow as if it was a question.

"It's not like that at all Lils."

I winced slightly, hearing my nickname on his lips, as if he was contaminating it. "There's no need to make up an excuse Potter," I spoke in that too calm tone that scared me slightly, because it made me seem as though I were talking to someone I barely knew. _I don't know him. Not this side of him._ I reassured myself.

He let out a frustrated groan and ran his hand through his hair. I could tell his emotions were running just as high as mine, although I would force mine not to show. "Listen to me. I'm not making up bloody excuses," his voice sounded harsh, "Look, if I didn't want to be with you, why wouldn't I have just broken up with you? Why would I send you a bloody owl every single day? Tell me Lily, because I don't know. Why would I feel so…so lost without you? Just knowing that you're here, so close to me, and I'm not with you is driving me crazy Lily! If I wanted to cheat on you, if I don't love you, than explain to me why I'm feeling like this."

I swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat. Not feeling, not crying- it was easier said than done when he was actually standing there in front of me. "Don't ask me. You should know. If you had no reason, then why do it?" My voice was quiet but dangerous- sad and angry at the same time; betrayed. Yes, that's what it was- I sounded like someone who had been betrayed. My eyes started to fog up and my voice cracked just the slightest bit. I saw a flicker of hope in James' eyes and I knew what he was thinking, because I had seen it before; fourth year, when my sister, who had always been my best friend, stopped writing to me after telling me she hated me, I had tried to turn off all my emotions, but James had made me feel something again. Although it was only anger and annoyance, he had still made me feel something and he had been happy and proud because he was the only one who could and he knew it. Now I knew that he was thinking and feeling the same thing- he knew he was making me feel something. I hated how he could stand there and somehow feel proud after what he had done. I wanted to smack him, or run away. I wanted to scream.

The hope soon died away as he began talking, sounding harsh and almost accusing, yet pleading, "But I didn't! Lily, you aren't LISTENING to me." He took my hands in his, holding them firmly, and I knew I wouldn't be able to grab them back away until he wanted me to let go. I turned my face away from his, but he moved back into my view. "Lils, I love you. I love you more than anything in the world. I meant everything I said to you on the train today. Those are the truest things I've ever said," he paused for a millisecond, gazing intently into my eyes as if searching for something, "To anyone. You have to believe that." He loosened his grip, but kept his eyes on mine. Once, his eyes on mine would have melted me. But not now. I grabbed my hands away. He looked almost…devastated when I did.

I shook my head, "I don't have time for your games Potter." I began to run up the dormitory steps, but stopped. I didn't know why, but it was as if there was an invisible force holding me back. I walked back to him and looked into his eyes. I saw pain and sadness and truth, but I ignored it; he had always been good at acting. He tried to speak, but I stopped him with my own voice. I began to speak, not having any idea of what I was about to say, "No," I stated, "I want to do the talking. I can't be with you anymore because I'm afraid, okay? I'm afraid to get hurt again. When I'm with you, it's like- like I'm just a pawn in your game of wizard's chess or something. You can tell me to do anything, and I'll do it- no questions asked. You just look at me and my heart leaps! I feel so many emotions and it's so confusing James. I get frustrated, jealous, scatterbrained, speechless, and I feel like I'm floating on air- but somehow still happy, and I don't know what to do. Because, I still feel all that, James- like I can't hold myself together whenever I'm around you- but, now, there's even more emotions and they rule out the rest. Now, whenever I see you, my heart still leaps but then it breaks, over and over again. The one thing I know is that I don't want to go through that anymore. I- I have to stay away from you, and I will." With that said, I turned back around and walked up to the girls' dormitory, one lone tear fell down my cheek. I didn't bother to wipe it away. Even as I walked away, I knew he still wouldn't give up, that's just the way James was and would always be- stubborn and determined, but I wouldn't give up either. I couldn't.

The next two weeks passed slowly, but quickly at the same time- each lesson, each second, seemed to last a lifetime, but, as I got into bed to try to sleep at night, it seemed as if just seconds before I had been walking off towards my first lesson of the day.

I pulled back the covers on my four-poster bed and crawled under them, turning to face Ada. "The day passed too quickly," I yawned.

Ada looked at me quizzically, "Says the girl who's been complaining for two weeks about how slowly the day is going by." I only shrugged my shoulders in response. "'Night Lil, and remember- no matter how crazy you are, we still love you."

"'We', is it? Developing multiple personalities, now are you," I smiled. I loved being around Ada. I felt happy around her.

"You know what I meant- you loon."

"You're the one with multiple personalities, yet _I'M_ the loony one?"

She nodded her head as if it all made sense, "Yep."

I rolled my eyes and turned over in the bed, pulling up the covers, "G'night Miz Loony Lady." My eyes drifted shut, and, what seemed like seconds later, the sun was shining brightly through my bed curtains which had just been ripped open by Ada, who was fully dressed.

"Didn't you hear me?" She was pulling her hair up as she talked, holding a bobby pin in her mouth.

I rubbed my eyes, "Hm?"

"Transfiguration starts in, about, oh," She looked down at my watch that lay on the nightstand next to my bed, "sixty-three seconds."

I tried to jump up but only accomplished falling on the floor at Ada's feet, tangled in a mass of blankets. As I kicked and punched at the blankets, trying to untangle myself, I shouted, "That's impossible!"

She put her hands on her hips. "Check for yourself, Sunshine," she said, pointing at my watch. "The rest of the girls just left."

By this time I was partially out of the blankets and crawled on my knees to the nightstand, clutching the watch tightly as my expression changed from laziness to panic. "Fuck," I muttered, stumbling as I pushed myself up, trying to slide out of the blankets that must have somehow grown a mind of their own _'…and teeth,'_ I thought, rubbing my elbow as I rushed to my trunk and tossed on some clothes. "They left already? Without waking us?"

"They woke up late too. We tried waking you up. We must've yelled at you a million times."

I was about to glare at her, but decided I didn't have the time. I waved my hand in her direction and said, "Go to class, I'll meet you there." She nodded and walked out. "Scorgify," I said, pointing my wand at my hair, which washed itself. I ran a brush through my hair and muttered a drying spell as I slipped on a pair of shoes and hurriedly applied blush, mascara, and lip gloss- the only makeup I ever wore. I grabbed my book bag and quickly threw in a few textbooks, a quill, and a closed bottle of ink. Halfway to the door, I stopped for a second and turned around, running back to my watch.

"Fuck," I called and stomped my foot on the floor as I put on my watch. I was already about seven minutes late for class and it would take _at least_ another six minutes to rush to the Transfiguration room- two if I ran and took a few shortcuts the Marauders had shown me. After stopping at a mirror and fluffing my hair momentarily, I rushed out the door and down the steps to the empty common room. My stomach rumbled as I realized I hadn't eaten. I ignored the pain I now felt crawling around my stomach and ran out through the portrait hole, down a staircase, where I jumped over three steps, avoiding the trick step, turned a few corners and stopped a door away from my transfiguration room. I tugged down the skirt I was wearing, straightened out a few wrinkles in my clothes, and unconsciously ran my hands over my hair.

Opening the door, I peaked in, hoping no one would notice me. They did. "Er, hello Professor; nice day, isn't it," I asked in a too-innocent voice that people only used when they were in trouble and they knew it.

Professor McGonagall's lips straightened into a thin line, "So nice of you to grace us with your presence, Ms. Evans. Next time, please try to make it a higher priority to make it to class _on time_." I smiled weakly and nodded, looking around the room for an empty seat. _'No,'_ I thought, and looked over the room again. There was only one extra seat. With a painful expression set on my face, I slowly made my way towards the table, but I didn't sit down. McGonagall noticed, "Is there a problem, Ms. Evans?"

"Er...no Professor," I said slowly, because _obviously_ there _was_ a problem. My eyes hopefully searched the room once more, looking for another empty seat, next to _anyone_ expect James.

"Then, kindly take your seat so we can begin today's lesson."

"Yes Professor," I finally said mechanically and, with a pained look on my face, I sat down next to James, but scooted to the edge of my seat- as far away from him as possible. Unwillingly, a memory from the year before floods my mind.

_I rushed into class, pushed past two girls and Sirius, and slipped into the seat besides James. And, scooting as close as possible to him, I leaned my head on his shoulder and he laid his chin on my head, taking my hand in his and intertwining his fingers in mine. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me," he breathed._

"_I love you," I whispered. I didn't expect him to say it back- he wasn't like that. He didn't give his love away easily, and I was okay with that. Knowing that I loved him was enough._

I loved him; I'll admit it, but I won't even let myself believe that it was true love. Because true love is when you're loved back and, although I had convinced myself that he actually did love me back, I know the truth now. He never cared about me. Fresh anger and pain spread throughout my veins as I see him lean towards me from the corner of my eye, "Don't speak to me," I said firmly. And, surprisingly, he listened.

"Just give me another chance," James called to me after class ended.

I had been ignoring him up until that point, after which I spun on my heel and faced him. To say I was livid would have been an understatement. "Leave me alone you conceited bloody prat! Go get Avada'd or something! Just leave me alone!" After screaming, I turned back around in a huff and marched off towards my next lesson.

"Hey," said a voice from behind me.

"I said," I started angrily, turning around, "Oh, hi Aidan," I said. Aidan Walsh was a fellow Gryffindor and a beater on our Quidditch team. He was tall, shorter than James, but still a good four inches taller than me.

"I heard what happened on the train. Any guy who would cheat on you doesn't deserve you."

I winced at the memory, "Let's not talk about that, 'kay?"

He smiled charmingly, "Okay. Well, tomorrow's the Hogsmeade weekend," he stretched out the word weekend and looked down, twiddled his thumbs, and looked back up, "How about you go with me to The Three Broomsticks and we can not talk about that there?"

"L-like a date," I asked, stuttering. _Did he just go from talking about my ex…to asking me out!_

Aidan smiled shyly, one hand on the back of his neck, "Yea, like a date."

Over his shoulder, I saw James walk up and I knew that he had heard what we were saying. My eyes darkened as James looked at me. I looked back up at Aidan and smiled, "Sure."

"Really? You will? I mean- uh, cool," he looked embarrassed, "I, uh, I guess I'll see you later then..." his voice trailed off.

I looked at him strangely, "We have a lesson together right now…"

He looked embarrassed again, "Oh yeah."

I began to laugh and he looked at me defensively, so I quickly turned the laugh into a cough. I smiled warmly, but my smile faltered as thoughts of James once again shoved there way into my memory, _James would've just laughed at himself and laughed with me. Not taken offense._ I pushed that thought out of my head and thought instead of the up-and-coming Hogsmeade weekend._ The Three Broomsticks is where James and I had our first date... Ugh. What is wrong with me? Why can't I stop thinking about him? I will not think about James. Fuck. Now I'm thinking about thinking about him._ I shook my head as I looked back over Aidan's shoulder, smiling smugly, expecting to see a hurt James standing there. James was gone. My smile fell for a moment, but just a moment. _Good. I'm glad he's not near me. I'm glad. _ I walked to class and took a seat next to Aidan.

"So, big game next week- you ready," I asked.

"Of course- we're gonna kill Slytherin. 'Specially now that I've got my girl for luck." I coughed. _Excuh-use me? His girl? Jerk. Wait- he's not a jerk. Argh! Boys suck. They're too confusing!_ I looked around the room as he put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer. I didn't even realize that I was looking for James until I noticed that he wasn't there.

I shrugged Aidan's arm off of me and smiled sweetly at him, "Glad to hear it."


End file.
